Got my eye on you.

Pazzwizzle has nearly crusted over, like a delicious tin of baked beans left out in the sun too long. So, like the spoon I used this morning to eat that shit, I'm going to crack this bitch open.

Our spoon today? Literal lyrics.

Where better to start cracking than some indie-pop. Recently doing the rounds on Triple J was a song 'Dancing On My Own' by a Swedish pop singer-songwriter Robyn. Remember her? She's released 5 albums full of cheesey Euro-pop ballads. Also, upon research, I found out that she sang this song. That fucker was in every damn romantic comedy released in the mid-90s. The message you should be getting here? She's generic as all hell.

Anyway, lets not go jumping to conclusions. She's on Triple J. She's cleaned up her act and become an indie darling, right? Right?

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?

Jealous much? Settle down Robyn, this girl is a new friend of mine, we've not even had dinner together yet, let alone discussed the tricky concept of love. But she's got amazing core body strength, so yeah, she probably does "love" me better than you can.

Also, I take offence to the grammatical structure of that sentence. I've seen better use of the English language written on fridges in those little plastic magnet letters. (Hint: the number 6 can be used as the letter G.)

Big black sky over my town
I know where you at, I bet she’s around

You know where I'm at? Are you stalking me? Not a good way to win a man back Robyn.

Yeah, I know it’s stupid

Okay, cool, you're admitting that stalking is stupid. Can we just be friends? Not friends that love each other, just like, "Oh hi, how are you?" friends.

I just gotta see it for myself

See what? My new friend and I? I think I might need to call the police.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me
oh...

Yep, definitely calling the police.

I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own

You're giving it your all dancing on your own? No offence Robyn, but you probably look like a weirdo. If you want to be taken home by someone, whether it's me or just some random dude with a goatee, you've got to start dancing with other people. Get your slut on. Gyrate on someone's thigh. Make the shy looking creepy kid buy you a drink. Do whatever it takes. Trashbags aren't born, they're made.

I’m just gonna dance all night
I’m all messed up, I’m so outta line

That's the spirit! Get messed up, pop some pills, vomit into your clutch. Men can smell your desperation, and it's turning them on.

Stilettos and broken bottles
I’m spinnin’ around in circles

Woo! Robyn, you're out of control! Be careful though, if you bump into one of those security guards, they'll probably kick you out.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me
oh...
I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own

My God that's creepy. You've got to think of a new pick-up line. This whole desperate thing isn't going to work for long. Once guys realise that you'll start crying 15 seconds into sex and wont stop until they sing you to sleep, you're probably going to have trouble scoring. Trust me, I know.

So far away but still so near
(the lights go on, the music dies)

Wow, how long have you been standing there Robyn? The club is closing up and you're still in the corner dancing on your own?

But you don’t see me standing here
(I just came to say goodbye)

Nope, probably because I've already left with my new friend. We got pretty drunk, started making out, decided we'd head back to my place to see how much we could "love" each other before we passed out. But have fun being carefully guided out by the bouncers. Give them a note to pass on to me. I'm pretty close with them. In fact, I'm pretty good friends with everyone who was at that club except you. What to know why? Because you're a fucking creep, that's why.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her,
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me,
oh...
I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own
(I keep dancing on my own...)

Holy crap Robyn, did you follow me home? I'm sure I took my spare key back off you. What's that? You made another copy? Seriously, get the fuck out. I'm definitely calling the police. Yes, that's my new friend. No, she doesn't want to meet you. Now would you piss off? And stop fucking dancing, you look like an epileptic who needs to pee.

If any of you want to meet my new friend, this is her:



(Hint: She's the one in the speaker suit.)

It's all he said, she said.

Literal lyrics is back again and boy do we have a doozy this week. The song: 'According To You'. The artist: Orianthi. We're off to a bad start. She sounds like a tropical disease. Am I going to need to get a vaccination before listening to her? She's an Australian girl who was meant to be the guitarist on Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' tour before he mysteriously died. I don't want to start throwing around accusations, but that's a bit too much of a coincidence. I think this girl should be a prime suspect. Get the doctor out of jail. Look at that guy. He's completely harmless. He's like a cross between Obama and Humphrey B. Bear. This chick, with her two-tone hair and her ripped leather tights, has got trouble written all over her. Trouble and the word 'murderer' in pink highlighter.

Turn to page 1, now.

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.

According to me? Wow, I'm a bit tough. Stupid and useless. Like sure, be stupid, but at least have some use. Like be good at holding cups. Or drawing squares.

According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Jeez, I said all of that? I can't help but feel that I probably have a decent reason for my insults. I'm sure if you were a competent human being I would have no reason to be so cruel. How about a little bit of reflection on your own actions Orianthi. Maybe you're not as great as you think you are. People who are late do tend to piss me off. Perhaps a watch could help. Also, this whole "even if it would save my life" business, what is with that? In what situation would your lateness cause your own death? I doubt you're going to be abducted by some psychopath who then demand you get him somewhere on time or else he's going to kill you. Similarly, if it's a medical emergency, it's your own fault if you've left your run to the hospital that late that lateness could mean the end of your life. I suspect that if you're in that position you wouldn't be able to drive anyway. Invest in a diary.

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.

Well, this guy sound nice. Glad to hear you've found someone supportive. I can't help but notice he's not very specific though. Like he's gone with some broad compliments. Meanwhile, I was pretty specific about your problems. Like not looking good in a dress. He's just kind of saying the usual stuff someone who is in a new relationship says. I'm sure you're not the first person he's said it to, and you probably wont be the last.

According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.

Again, very general praise. Also, what exactly does he mean by "funny"? Haha funny or weird funny? Laugh at you or laugh with you? Maybe he has a poor sense of humour. Maybe he has low standards. I don't want to bring you down Orianthi, but this guy sounds... underwhelming. Plus, what's with bragging about how great your new relationship is to me, your ex-boyfriend? You don't hear me talking about how great my new girlfriend is. Sure, I haven't got one yet, but if I did, I wouldn't be rubbing it in your face.

Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.

Everything is opposite? Like, this entire song? Does he really not think your funny? Do I actually think you look great in a frock? Now I'm confused. Assuming it is Opposite Day, then you have everything to lose.

He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.

I said, "he's into you for everything you're not"? Oh snap, me. This does imply that he's not interested in anything that you are, which is concerning. But at least you're happy.

According to you
I’m boring,
I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.

Maybe if you looked better in a dress then we'd head out together. But since you only wear cargo pants, I refuse to be seen out with you. I think that's fair.

According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

Well, I'm not putting up with it any more. You've moved on, so our relationship is over. Once again though, I'm being awfully specific, and I have a lot of criticisms. Surely some of this is making you think, "Hmmm, maybe I do have a few problems. I should see someone about my ADD, mood swings and mental retardation."

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.

Yeah yeah, you said all that. That's all he's got? Beautiful, funny, blah blah blah. He's quoting 'Dating For Dummies.'

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh no
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me dizz-ay

I'm making you dizzy? You can't even dress yourself! How do you think I feel? I don't hate you, I just think you have some character flaws. However, keep coming at me like this and maybe I will hate you.

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.

Fuck you Orianthi. Think up your own insults, you dumb whore. Now I hate you. You happy?

Sorry you had to hear that guys. She goes on for a little bit longer about how perfect her new guy is, but frankly I don't think we need to hear what that hyperactive bitch has to say.

I don't want to force you to take sides, but if you see it, can you 1 star her video clip? She pretty much copies Guitar Hero anyway, it's not even original.

Thanks for letting me vent though, you've been great.

Should have put a ring on it.

Today was going to be another 'Literal Lyrics' post. However, in my quest for a current single that has terrible lyrics (usually not a difficult search) I discovered this:


(Bigger version here.)

That's right. Number 46 on the ARIA Top 50 singles chart is 'Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)' as sung by The Chipettes. Who are 'The Chipettes' you ask? To quote Wikipedia, "The Chipettes are a fictional group of anthropomorphic chipmunk singers first appearing on the cartoon series Alvin and the Chipmunks in 1983." How are they in the charts in 2010 then?

Well, thanks to the eternal crap machine that is Hollywood, the old Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon was revived in 2007 as a live action/CGI, and despite being critically panned, it made almost 10 times it's budget at the box office and in DVD sales. Turns out, not only do humans have an awful taste in music, we're also not that great with movies either. The inevitable sequel, referred to as the "squeakquel" (see what they did there?) was released in December last year, and re-introduced The Chipettes to the world.

Not content with raping our eyes via cinema screens, the good people at Warner Music found it in their hearts to violate our ears as well, and released a soundtrack, containing 15 (18 if you got the Deluxe iTunes Edition, woo bonus tracks!) songs, performed exclusively by either The Chipmunks, The Chipettes, or both.

Before you get excited and say, "They trained actual chipmunks to sing? That's incredible! I love avant garde music, where can I buy this album?" I must clarify what they mean by songs. Basically what the brilliant minds at 20th Century Fox did is take the original songs and turn up the pitch, so the singers sounded like screeching banshees from the depths of hell. There is no parody, no lyric alteration. It's the same songs that were originally released, just make to sound like a eunuch on helium.

Now normally this wouldn't bother me, and for the most part, it still doesn't. They used songs by Pink and the Black Eyed Peas, so it wasn't like they were ruining anything good. Right? Wrong!

Beyonce's late 2008 hit 'Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)' was one of the butchered songs. A track that was ranked as the number two Best Song of the Decade in Rolling Stone magazine's Reader's Poll. The song also appeared at number 50 on the magazine's critics' list of the 100 Best Songs of the Decade. Now you may not know, but I love this song. There is a video, kept in a highly protected vault, of me drunkenly dancing to it. It is impossible not to love it. Not only is it a great song, but Beyonce is a chocolate goddess. And the dancing! Amazing! All done in a single take. In intense heels. Wow. It's still in the Aria Top 50 Singles chart for fucks sake. It's been there for 40 weeks!

Anyway, enough of me ranting about how much I love the song. Check this out. I hope it makes you cry.

Make your own rules.

Literal lyrics is back! After a brief Christmas holiday in which it travelled to the ends of the earth in search of a good pavlova, it has returned victorious. Turns out a small coffee shop in western Ukraine really knows its New Zealand desserts.

This week we will be covering the first single from John Mayer's new album, 'Who Says'. In typical John Mayer fashion, he sounds just like a year 12 jock douchebag who bought a second hand guitar and takes it to every party because he knows like five chords and can totally bust out the first half of a bunch of Powderfinger songs and chicks dig that. Mr Mayer has totally nailed that market. Unfortunately, John is now 32 and hitting on 17 year olds is borderline illegal.

As such, it would appear Maybags (a smooth combination of "Mayer" and "douchebag" that rolls right off the tongue) has become a little jaded, probably after numerous attempts at failing to score with Jennifer Aniston, Hollywood's most damaged goods. Seriously John, I could bag that scalp if I wanted to, and I'm a poor, mostly talent-less Australian guy nearly 20 years her junior. You've got everything (well, not exactly everything, but money and fame are two good starts) and you managed to blow it.

So, Maybags has written what I can only describe is the apathetic anthem of the Naughties. Ladies and gentlemen, Who Says...

Who says I can't get stoned
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me in my house alone
Who says I can't get stoned

Well, for starters John, the Government says that. They make these things called laws and the citizens of the country, who more often than not elect said Government (your country, as much as you desperately try to fuck it up, does this) must obey these laws. Now you may turn your nose up at this, but its these laws that keep people driving on the right side of the road, keep people from just waltzing into a shop and taking what they wanted, and stop angry members of the public from raping and murdering each other on a whim. They provide people with consequences, and help guide them in the right direction.

Laws aside though, the other thing that says you can't do that is our basic desire for sound mental health. If you sat alone in a darkened house and had no contact with the outside world, you would literally begin to go mad. And that's even if you weren't getting high all the time. Our brains crave social interaction. There are actually methods of psychological torture that involve locking people away from society for extended periods of time. It's called 'solitary confinement' and is regularly used in prisons to break the spirit of tough inmates.

Is that enough reason for you Maybags?

Who says I can't be free
From all of the things that I used to be
Rewrite my history
Who says I can't be free

You want a clean slate John, is that what you're getting at? You want everyone to forget all the terrible shit you've done? Or worse, all the cool shit you've done? Unfortunately Maybags, you are a worldwide celebrity, so the chances of everyone forgetting who you are and you being able to start over again are very slim. That would involve everyone else on the planet suffering a very specific kind of amnesia, in which we forgot just who you were but retained all other information. Plus there is the logistics of removing any trace of you from the internet and society at large. That's a pretty big ask Maybags, just so you can give being a different person a new try.

It's been a long night in New York City
It's been a long night in Baton Rouge
I don't remember you looking any better
But then again I don't remember you

Now we begin to see some evidence of how you managed to fuck up the whole Jennifer Aniston thing. I'm going to assume you're talking to a women in those last two lines. Bad move. "I don't remember you looking any better" is basically saying, "You look pretty shit right now, I much prefer what you were wearing last night". And following that line up with "I don't remember you" is bound to make any woman you've met more than twice feel like shit. I mean, sure, you're famous, you meet a lot of attractive women, but that is no reason to act like a dick. Do what most men do and lie, make shit up. And the excuse "It's been a long night in New York/Baton Rouge" really isn't going to work. Firstly, pick just one city (preferably the one you are actually in) and then say you've had a long night. Simply pointing out that it is the Winter solstice is not a valid excuse.

Who says I can't get stoned
Call up a girl that I used to know
Fake love for an hour or so
Who says I can't get stoned

More stoned talk, we've covered this Maybags. As for the drunk dialling, while there are no hard and fast rules on such a thing, it is generally frowned upon in social circles. More so by the person you are tricking into thinking you like them, but also by their friends. It really is a dick move. And just doing it over the phone and only for an hour is really just a waste of everyone's time. If you're going to mess with her head, at least invite her around and sleep with her. At least if she hates you she'll have had a night of pleasure. I am also getting the feeling you did this to Janiston, which probably didn't help your chances with her at all. As a general rule, no one likes any sort of emotions to be faked, particularly not love. And considering you did this to a woman who had her heart publicly broken by Brad Pitt and then Angelina Jolie basically spent the next five years rubbing it in.

Who says I can't take time
Meet all the girls in the county line
Wait on fate to send a sign
Who says I can't take time

Are you trying to tell me that you want to meet and, I can only assume, fuck, every girl on the county line (which, for Australians, is basically all the women in a certain post code) and then wait for fate to tell you which one to maintain a relationship with? Possibly an even worse idea than your psychological torture plan, Maybags. Firstly, the health issues. You're going to have to wear a condom the size of a pair of trousers, and that's not even considering oral sex. Secondly, those types of things can't just be left to fate. There will be a certain number of women who will pursue you and you will have to deal with them, you can't just wait for a sign. Finally, good luck keeping the fact you're shagging every woman in a 100-mile radius a secret. Much like the drunk dialling thing, women don't like being lead on. And considering you've already demonstrated your inability to talk to women, I can't help but feel this plan is going to crash and burn.

It's been a long night in New York City
It's been a long night in Austin too
I don't remember you looking any better
But then again I don't remember you

Again with the bad compliments and even worse excuse. Perhaps try "I've never seen you looking this beautiful" next time.

Who says I can't get stoned
Plan a trip to Japan alone
Doesn't matter if I even go
Who says I can't get stoned

Finally, you have proposed something that isn't frowned upon by normal society. I mean, it is a little depressing that you want to go on a holiday alone, but the fact you want to get out of the house is good. Baby steps Maybags, baby steps. And you're right, you don't have to go if you don't want to. However, I would recommend not paying for it if you're unsure about whether you'll actually show up to the airport. Otherwise you could waste a fair bit of money. However, considering the fact that you're both rich and willing to buy copious amounts of marijuana, maybe a missed flight to Japan isn't such a big deal. Also, a word of advice, don't fly stoned or take any pot with you. I may be incorrect, but I think that thing is illegal. They've been pretty anal about plane travel for the past few years and you could find yourself in a bit of trouble if they found you out.

It's been a long night in New York City
It's been a long time since 22
I don't remember you looking any better
But then again I don't remember you

John, you're a quick learner. Finally a decent excuse for not remembering someone. You haven't seen them since you were 22. That's ten years. She'll understand if you say that. Again I would avoid the thinly veiled insult and instead try, "You look amazing, I didn't even recognise you, have you lost weight?"

Wasn't that a fun journey into the inner psyche of John Mayer? Turns out he's just as much of a douchebag as you thought he was. Daughters is a pretty song though.

And now, something less vaginally cleansing than Maybags...

Self-esteem issues.

Time for another dose of literal lyrics. Under the microscope this time is an Australian lady by the name of Vanessa Amorosi. Now Vanny (we're friends and she lets me call her that) has been around for quite a while, beginning her musical career in 1998 with the dance anthem "Absolutely Everybody". This song did indeed annoy absolutely everybody with its repetitive pop loops. Then then disappeared off the face of the earth, only to be reborn with the following track. Lucky us.

The song is basically a, "You are beautiful no matter what anyone says, you are strong, just keep fighting!" anthem to all the ugly teenage girls who listen to Vanny. Too harsh too soon? We'll see.

We open on an empty stage. Vanny enters with her guitar. She begins to sing in a heartfelt manner.

I spend my life
Trying to do things right

Better than trying to do things wrong I suppose. That can end badly. So far, nothing new though.

But all I do is fall to my face
with my hands on my head so many times

You what? You fall to your face... with your hands on your head? How about using your hands to stop you falling "to" your face. Considering you've done it so many times, why haven't you learnt how to stop landing on your face? (Note: other versions of these lyrics read "my hands and my hips" which makes even less sense.)

But then I learnt, after being burnt
To get back up and push straight on
stop the tears people move on, on

No no, if you've been set on fire, you should go to the hospital, or at least a doctor. Don't keep going like nothing has happened. You'll regret it once your skin starts to peel. It's also okay to cry if you've just landed on your face, been set on fire, or both.

The following happy words are the chorus.

Well it's alright to be myself
now I've learnt to stand
well it's ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends,
now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Lighten up Vanny. You hate yourself, you've just learnt to stand, blah blah. No wonder no one liked you, you're a wet rag on the party of life. If who you are is a mopey bitch, then I would contest that's not an okay thing to settle for. You should really try to not be a downer.

Now when life gets tough
I'm quick to hurry up
I run all day, I run through the night
I break down walls, I hit up high

It would seem Vanny recommends the following coping mechanisms for those on Struggle Street:

• excessive and dangerous exercise
• vandalism and property destruction
  
• grievous bodily harm
  

Not the wisest of choices, but I suppose if it stops you killing yourself then it's better than nothing.

I don't care if I'm fat, or if you think my clothes are bad

You should care if you're fat, because its actually unhealthy. I realise the media places too strong an emphasis on being thin, but the reality is, fat people get sick and die much quicker than thin people. That's a fact. Bad clothes is less of an issue, but I guarantee if you're fat and poorly dressed, no one is going to want to be your friend.

'cos I can go to sleep at night,
I'm a good person and I'll get by

Most people sleep at night, thats not a feat of strength. If you said you wrestled alligators at night, or kicked bears in the shins, then I'd be impressed. The same goes for being a good person. Big deal. Lots of bad people sleep brilliantly at night and get by just fine as well.

Are you someone, are you someone, are you someone,
someone like me

Fat, badly dressed, self-loathing, violent and well rested? No. You're appealing to what I can only assume is a very niche market here Vanny.

You deserve, you deserve, you deserve to be free

Free from what? Their own shitty lives? If they deserve it so much, they can go out and earn it.

Because the world will keep spinning,
and you'll be trapped in it

Not only do you have a poor grasp of the basic sciences of the planet, you're being very threatening here Vanny. These people aren't the most confident souls on the planet, and I can only assume they don't react so well to being told they'll be sucked into the Earth's core if they don't emancipate themselves from their shame spirals. Maybe not though, maybe that's what they need, a good scaring.

The chorus repeats a few times, and it's just as depressing as it was the first time you heard it. I'm not sure where Vanny went wrong, but whoever is writing her material should really get themselves checked out.They've gone from poppy anthem to borderline emo rather quickly. Well, that's a lie, it's taken 10 years, but still, they should be on suicide watch.

Multitasking bonus: The music and lyrics in one hit!

If you're feeling down about your weight, listen to this:

Guns kill people.

It's 'Literal Lyrics' time again folks! I realize we skipped a week, but I had a very good excuse. Not only that, but this awesome blog called 'nine summertime' liked my last 'Literal Lyrics' so much that they want me to write for their blog as well. So this is going to appear on both blogs. Hurray, new audience! Anyway, enough ego stroking, lets get down to business.

This week's song is 'Russian Roulette' by Rihanna. Don't get me wrong, I think she's great. But only at dancing and singing. And getting punched in the face by her boyfriend. OH NO YOU DIDN'T! The song opens with some basic instructions on how to live.

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps

Rihanna, you're hanging with the right crowd. These people have their head on right. Breathing, calmness, playing for keeps. Good on you girl.

Take a gun, and count to three

Jesus Christ! Rihanna, what the fuck is going on here? I take that back, these aren't nice people. Guns are not toys. Get out while you can!

I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

No Rihanna, there is most definitely time to think. It doesn't have to be a long thought. A simple "I don't want to shoot myself in the face and die" will suffice. Also, I hate to point out the obvious, but if you're moving slow, then you're probably buying yourself those few seconds necessary to think about how much of a bad idea it is to play Russian Roulette.

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest

Now, either everyone is sitting too close or you're dangerously skinny. If people can see your heart beating, you've got some issues. I'm going to assume these same people that want you to play games of life and death are also encouraging your eating disorder. Rihanna, as much as I applaud you for leaving Chris Brown, perhaps you should reconsider your new choice of company.

And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test

How topical. Is this song a metaphor for something? Perhaps a destructive relationship you had recently?

So just pull the trigger

Nooooooo! Rihannaaaaaaa!

Say a prayer to yourself

Oh thank God you're still alive. Get out now. Either you're going to die or you'll be an accessory to murder.

He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought

Only now? You've just nearly killed yourself and now you're thinking scary thoughts? You're crazier than I thought Rihanna.

That he’s here means he’s never lost

That doesn't make him a winner. Nor does it make him a desirable partner. It most likely makes him a killer. Or at least a cheat. While I don't know how many games of Russian Roulette he's played (he does seem to have a lot of handy hints), I'm guessing the laws of probability would prohibit anyone from becoming too good at it without some element of rigging.

As with all pop songs, the chorus begins its monotonous repetition about here. Rihanna "pulls the trigger" two more times, so either there isn't a bullet in this revolver or they're playing with a machine gun. She does offer one more word of... warning, I suppose you could call it.

As my life flashes before my eyes
I'm wondering if I will ever see another sunrise
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye
But it's to late to think of the value of my life

Once again, I must point out that there is always time to think of the value of your life. You don't have to write an essay, just a brief "I have loved ones" would pretty much cover all the important arguments. This whole song is making me question Rihanna's sanity. She really doesn't seem to care much about her own safety, or how her death (read: suicide) might make people feel. Instead she worries about seeing the sunrise. Never mind how her parents would feel, or her legions of fans, or her friends. As long as you're impressing a boy by gambling with your own life, it's all good.

You know, Chris Brown may not have been the nicest guy, but I doubt he would have made you kill yourself to prove you like him. He wrote a song called 'Kiss Kiss' after all. Maybe you should give him another chance.

Read the full lyrics here
Listen to the song here.

I've been your literal DJ, here's something less dangerous than shooting yourself:

The times.

I'm introducing another (hopefully) weekly regular to this blog. Literal lyrics.

I'm going to suck the fun out of pop music. Well, whatever fun that hasn't already been pitch-corrected out.

To begin with, a song called 'TiK ToK' by Ke$ha. See what she did there? A dollar sign instead of an S. That means she's gangsta, I guess. I'm not sure. To me, a dollar sign would mean economist. She restores cred with the song title 'TiK ToK', because spelling mistakes and bad grammar are... cool? In her defence, she did drop out of high school at 17. That's well before they start teaching you how to spell in the US education system.

The opening verse:

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back

So she wakes up and feels like P Diddy. I'm immediately concerned. Is that meant to be Diddy saying "Hey, what up girl?" Either she's got some serious schizophrenia happening, or her perception of what P Diddy's life is like is severely confused. But I digress. She puts on her glasses (reading or sun?) and she's off. But wait, before she leaves, she's going to brush her teeth. Psych! You thought she was already out the door.

Unfortunately, she doesn't know basic dental hygiene, because she's brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack. Her justification? Because when she leaves for the night, she isn't coming back. She plans on picking up with Jack Daniels breath. Good luck Ke$ha.

Her explanation of what makes a party girl (clothes, toes and phones apparently) continues until the chorus.

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh

Yeah, loud music, DJ's, popping. Whatever party Ke$ha is at, it's totally awesome. And she's starting fights. So my guess is she gate-crashed. Then she appropriately points out that as time progresses, so does the party. But the party never stops. How convenient, neither does time.

Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Ke$ha, not content with her previous efforts of describing what party girls do, elaborates. She has not a care in the world, but she's got lots of beer. It would seem she does have a care. It is about how much beer she has. Obviously, due to all the beer she's purchased, she now has no money, but its okay, because she's already at the party, so she no longer has any need for cash. She'll just steal what she needs from here on in.

Dudes! Finally Ke$ha, you're talking about something other than yourself. These "dudes" have heard "we (assumedly Ke$sha and her friends) got swagger". Nothing more appealing than a girl with swagger. But Ke$ha is no slut. Unless they look like Mick Jagger (really, this guy?) she's going to tell them she's not interested. I'm sorry Ke$ha, I'm confused, what are you trying to say?

I’m talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now - we goin’ til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down

Oh, I see. Drunken attempted sexual assault. And this will continue, Ke$ha says, until the perverts get kicked out (I get the feeling that will happen sooner rather than later) or the police come and shut the party down (again, considering the sexual assault, probably won't take long).

Since this is a cookie-cuter pop hit, the chorus is repeated twice, and then we head to the bridge... Which is basically just the chorus run through a Microsoft Word synonym check. More talk of DJs and their music. She does make one more interesting claim, that "the party don’t start until I walk in."

In her defence, she brings all the beer her money can buy, dudes who grope girl's "junk", she starts fights and she brushes her teeth with whiskey. She knows where the party at. My concern is that she implies that she leaves her house in the morning looking for a party. Yet the party doesn't start until she arrives. So does she just chose a house and walk in? Not a good idea if you don't want the "po-po" showing up. Or is she insulting everyone else's parties? If it's the latter, she really just sounds like a jealous bitch. Start you're own party if you aren't happy with what's on offer.

As an interesting aside, this song is also known as 'Dolla'. Again, bad spelling. Very hip. I hope that title was the amount she was paid to make this awful song. The song is a "bullet performer", having risen from 28 to 4 in the ARIA singles charts. Australian music consumers, you disgust me.

Read the full lyrics here.
Listen to the song here.

I've been your literal DJ, allow me to play you out.