So the title should probably be Internet Heroes, as technically there are two people in the glorious series of videos I accidentally found on the weekend. I was looking for footage of the comedy duo 'The Pajama Men' who had a show on Saturday night at the Powerhouse. Sensibly, I punched this into YouTube and figured I'd find at least a videophone recording of one of their gigs.
Either they have a really good legal team or no one records their shows because they're shit and having to relive the memory of seeing it is physically painful, because there is not a single video on YouTube of their show. However, what I did find, was just as good, if not better.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet...
ThePajamaMen
Yes, they're wearing onesies. And yes, they're matching onesies. Zach and Dakota (poor kid, he's either named after this adorable spawn of Satan, a place where the state beverage is milk, or a 1945 Western staring John Wayne) are "dancers boi!" who enjoy nothing more than "dancing boi!". What they lack in variety, they make up for in enthusiasm.
Despite the fact they only have three videos uploaded, they already have their own website. Good thinking boys. When that fame train comes, and by golly it will, you'll be ready to jump on board and start handing out tickets.
There isn't much on the website besides links to their videos. I was the 9th and 10th visitor. Assuming they were on there at least once to set it all up, there are seven other people out there who have seen the future of entertainment. And let me tell you, it's hopped-the-fuck-up on sugar.
To illustrate, here is the majority of the text on their website:
Hello, welcome to our website of The Pajama Men's official website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Soon we will be adding photos, stuff in the store, and more videos!
We get it kids, this is a website. The fact we're on the internet was a bit of a give-away. Oh, and you'll notice they love exclamation points.
Now to the actual dancing. Well, it's not really dancing, it's more convulsing with purpose. Zach and Dakota kick and flail their way around what I can only assume is a bedroom. I don't know whose bedroom it is. In fact, I don't even know if Zach and Dakota are related. Their matching onesies and similar facial features seems to imply as such, however they could easily be best friends. Or lovers.
I was going to investigate these two enigma's further (Zach has two other YouTube profiles.. Two!) but I feared that might be a rabbit hole from which I would never emerge. Instead, I'll just let you watch the magic unfold for yourself.
This is The Pajama Men dancing to 'Poker Face' by Lady Gaga.
Literal lyrics is back again and boy do we have a doozy this week. The song: 'According To You'. The artist: Orianthi. We're off to a bad start. She sounds like a tropical disease. Am I going to need to get a vaccination before listening to her? She's an Australian girl who was meant to be the guitarist on Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' tour before he mysteriously died. I don't want to start throwing around accusations, but that's a bit too much of a coincidence. I think this girl should be a prime suspect. Get the doctor out of jail. Look at that guy. He's completely harmless. He's like a cross between Obama and Humphrey B. Bear. This chick, with her two-tone hair and her ripped leather tights, has got trouble written all over her. Trouble and the word 'murderer' in pink highlighter.
Turn to page 1, now.
According to you I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right.
According to me? Wow, I'm a bit tough. Stupid and useless. Like sure, be stupid, but at least have some use. Like be good at holding cups. Or drawing squares.
According to you I’m difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. I’m a mess in a dress, can’t show up on time, even if it would save my life. According to you. According to you.
Jeez, I said all of that? I can't help but feel that I probably have a decent reason for my insults. I'm sure if you were a competent human being I would have no reason to be so cruel. How about a little bit of reflection on your own actions Orianthi. Maybe you're not as great as you think you are. People who are late do tend to piss me off. Perhaps a watch could help. Also, this whole "even if it would save my life" business, what is with that? In what situation would your lateness cause your own death? I doubt you're going to be abducted by some psychopath who then demand you get him somewhere on time or else he's going to kill you. Similarly, if it's a medical emergency, it's your own fault if you've left your run to the hospital that late that lateness could mean the end of your life. I suspect that if you're in that position you wouldn't be able to drive anyway. Invest in a diary.
But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head.
Well, this guy sound nice. Glad to hear you've found someone supportive. I can't help but notice he's not very specific though. Like he's gone with some broad compliments. Meanwhile, I was pretty specific about your problems. Like not looking good in a dress. He's just kind of saying the usual stuff someone who is in a new relationship says. I'm sure you're not the first person he's said it to, and you probably wont be the last.
According to him I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Again, very general praise. Also, what exactly does he mean by "funny"? Haha funny or weird funny? Laugh at you or laugh with you? Maybe he has a poor sense of humour. Maybe he has low standards. I don't want to bring you down Orianthi, but this guy sounds... underwhelming. Plus, what's with bragging about how great your new relationship is to me, your ex-boyfriend? You don't hear me talking about how great my new girlfriend is. Sure, I haven't got one yet, but if I did, I wouldn't be rubbing it in your face.
Everything is opposite, I don’t feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
Everything is opposite? Like, this entire song? Does he really not think your funny? Do I actually think you look great in a frock? Now I'm confused. Assuming it is Opposite Day, then you have everything to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.
I said, "he's into you for everything you're not"? Oh snap, me. This does imply that he's not interested in anything that you are, which is concerning. But at least you're happy.
According to you I’m boring, I’m moody, you can’t take me any place.
Maybe if you looked better in a dress then we'd head out together. But since you only wear cargo pants, I refuse to be seen out with you. I think that's fair.
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away. I’m the girl with the worst attention span; you’re the boy who puts up with it. According to you. According to you.
Well, I'm not putting up with it any more. You've moved on, so our relationship is over. Once again though, I'm being awfully specific, and I have a lot of criticisms. Surely some of this is making you think, "Hmmm, maybe I do have a few problems. I should see someone about my ADD, mood swings and mental retardation."
But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head. According to him I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don’t feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose. He’s into me for everything I’m not, according to you.
Yeah yeah, you said all that. That's all he's got? Beautiful, funny, blah blah blah. He's quoting 'Dating For Dummies.'
I need to feel appreciated, like I’m not hated. oh no Why can’t you see me through his eyes? It’s too bad you’re making me dizz-ay
I'm making you dizzy? You can't even dress yourself! How do you think I feel? I don't hate you, I just think you have some character flaws. However, keep coming at me like this and maybe I will hate you.
According to me you’re stupid, you’re useless, you can’t do anything right.
Fuck you Orianthi. Think up your own insults, you dumb whore. Now I hate you. You happy?
Sorry you had to hear that guys. She goes on for a little bit longer about how perfect her new guy is, but frankly I don't think we need to hear what that hyperactive bitch has to say.
I don't want to force you to take sides, but if you see it, can you 1 star her video clip? She pretty much copies Guitar Hero anyway, it's not even original.
Thanks for letting me vent though, you've been great.
Tired of talking to himself, Tom has decided to bring his own special kind of insanity to the internet.
He has written a musical, completed drafts of various lengths of a number of different novels, performed, hosted improvised theatre, and tries his hand at stand-up comedy.
