Wake me up when movember ends.

Guess what today is? It's November 30th. And that means one thing. It's the end of the fictional month 'Movember'.

I'm sure you all know what 'Movember' entails. But if not, here is a quick rundown:

Step 1: Grow moustache.
Step 2: Get donations.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!

I completed these steps. And let me tell you, it's not as easy as it sounds.

Firstly, and most importantly, you have to deal with the moustache. The first week is hard, because your moustache is in its first stage. You look like a pubescent Mexican child. It gets mistaken for either a shadow or a coffee stain. People laugh. The second week your moustache hits it's stride, and it's actually the easiest week. It's not long enough to be annoying yet not short enough to be confused for a dirt smear. At this point your commitment to Movember becomes evident, and people stop laughing and start paying attention.

Week three is without a doubt the toughest. Your moustache is now at a length where it is starting to catch food and sweat on your face. It's gotten to the itchy stage, particularly if the weather is unpleasantly hot. If you're lucky, you can do a bit of a trim, but everyone knows that isn't in the spirit of things. By now you will have received all of your donations, and the whole thing feels like a waste of time.

The final week is highlighted by a general numbness. You've got mere days to go, and your heart is set on shaving your unsightly facial hair off. But part of you has grown attached to the little guy. You're starting to think "I don't look so bad with a moustache, maybe it is something I could pull off in the long term." These thoughts are horribly misguided, but at this stage of the game, anything is possible. You get few stray donations rolling in, nothing to write home about though. People start to say things like, "I don't hate it as much as I used to." or "You know, you look like *insert famous person here* with that moustache."

I've worked through all of this, and I can tell you, the end is totally worth it. Knowing I'm going to go back to my normal self is great. Not feeling like I have pubes stuck to my face is going to be very freeing. Not startling myself in the mirror every morning will be fun. However, I will miss it. It was a great conversation piece. Plus, I got compared to the following people:

• George Harrison
• Jason Lee (circa 'My Name Is Earl')
• Dave Grohl
• A 70's porn star
  
• Your dad when he was younger

Check out my Facebook for some pictures of the big shave.

Cut and colour.

Listen up fashionistas, I've got a new dose of style advice heading your way. Open your ears!

Lesson 2: Long hair

Firstly, long hair on women is fantastic. I have no problems there. Want to know why? Because it's feminine. And pretty. And smells nice. All things that women also are.

However, on men, long hair is another story. Like not a sequel. An entirely new story. Of a different genre. Written in bodily fluids.

My problem is that I don't know what men with long hair, particularly long hair in a pony tail, are trying to prove. Why do they let it grow? I have come up with I feel is a fairly comprehensive list of possible reasons, and I will now tear them apart.

1. The "Hey everyone, look how long I can grow may hair!" excuse. I'm sorry, you're proud of that? You think we're impressed by how long you've gone without a hair cut? Do you think that your ability to grow hair, a natural bodily function we have no control over, is special? Or are you just trying to be a dick to all the bald people out there? Are you rubbing the fact that they can't grow hair, a choice made not by them but their genetic material, in with your flowing locks? No one is impressed.
2. The "Nobody tells me how to cut my hair!" excuse. Congratulations, you're living the free and easy life. Wind blowing through your hair as you hit the open road on yet another unplanned adventure. Odd that you have to clearly illustrate how free and easy you are by growing your hair. Most people would continue to get their hair cut no matter how free and easy they are. Also, let's cover the things that would tell you how to cut your hair: A partner, a sensible job, a caring family. Fantastic, you don't have any of those thing. Yes, you're a real winner.
3. The "I'm rugged and unkempt, just like my hair!" excuse. You're an animal. You have no interest in hair cuts. They're for women and gays. You just let your hair grow. If it wants to be short, it'll fall out, like a badass. You're a bad boy, as untameable as your wild flowing locks. Except, if you've ever spoken to any woman with long hair (not including those with dreadlocks... I'll deal with you later) they will tell you how much effort goes into maintaining long hair. They wash it every day, they brush it every hour, they get split ends, they condition with treatments. If you are a man and you have long hair you are doing this to your hair as well (if not, you've probably got dreadlocks.... again, later). This is not rugged. This is the opposite of rugged. Want to know what makes you rugged? Growing a beard is rugged. Kicking the shit out of a crocodile is rugged. Fixing a ute with a combination of dirt and your own blood is rugged. Having long hair like a girl, not rugged
4. The "Have you seen *insert name here*? He has long hair, and it looks awesome! I'm just like him!" excuse. Oh really? Fabio looks awesome? No, Fabio looks like a joke. You think Johnny Depp has long hair and he's awesome? Well, he is a cool guy, but that has nothing to do with his hair. List any other celebrity with long hair and I can guarantee they aren't cool because they have long hair. They are cool because they are in movies and have lots of money and date hot women. Their hair has nothing to do with their success. They only reason they get away with it is because they are famous. Want to know where having long hair, no acting ability and being in Hollywood gets you? In porn.

I think that about covers it. Let me know if there are any other excuses people use and I'll make sure I cover them in a later post.

Until then, stay classy!

Passion for fashion

I like to think that I have a bit of skill in the fashion department. I feel I dress well, and I think people recognise this. I'm no slave to fashion, you won't see me wearing the latest trends or paying hundreds of dollars for a brand name. However, I make sure that I buy things that are decently quality and suit my body shape. It's not hard to dress well, you don't need a stylist and millions of dollars. Just an eye for what looks good together and knowledge of a few basic rules.

Then why do so many people get it wrong!?

The following is the first of hopefully many posts in which I lay down a bit of wisdom. Not just any wisdom. Style wisdom. Now I'm not holding myself up as a fashion icon, however I do believe that I know a thing or two. This I owe mostly to having three sisters who, from when I was quite young, give me brutally honest advice on what I was wearing. Even if I didn't ask for it. They did also force me to dress in women's clothing on a number of occasions, but that hasn't had any noticeable effect.

Lesson 1: Joggers

When I say joggers I mean cross-trainers. Running shoes. I'm not picking on people that jog. Good on them for getting out an exercising. However, they should probably just harden up and run. Jogging is for sissies. But I digress. Running shoes. Never before has something so simple caused such chaos in the fashion world. Let's start with the basics. They are called joggers/runners/cross-trainers for a reason. There is only one excuse for wearing them: If you are jogging/running/training. That is what they are made for. That is the purpose they were built to serve. The name isn't a joke, they aren't trying to be ironic. In fact, few other items in this world are so obvious. They are named after the people who wear them.

So where do people go wrong? I'll tell you where... everywhere.

Joggers are not necessary if the only jogging you do is actually just walking, and that walking is only done between your house and the bus stop/train station and then between the bus stop/train station and your place of employment. This level of physical activity does not count as jogging. It does not require the assistance of joggers. I don't care how comfortable they are, they look ridiculous. I'm talking to you, the hundreds of office workers who pair their business attire with Reeboks.

No no, shh, there are other options. I refuse to believe that a pair of modest flats from, oh, anywhere, would hurt your feet so much during the 30 minutes a day you have to walk that you must resort to wearing wearing Nike cross-trainers. And to those that claim arch support I say, "buy a pair of orthotics." They slip right into your shoes and provide arch support that the Romans would be jealous of.

Did I hear someone ask me to stop picking on hard working women? Sure thing!

Men who wear jeans with joggers disgust me. This was the first fashion rule I learned. You can wear almost any type of shoe with jeans. But not joggers. Never joggers. Ever seen anyone actually jogging in jeans? No. Ever seen anyone jogging in a pair of Converse Chuck Taylors? No. Ever seen someone in exercise clothes wearing Vans? No. So why wear jeans with joggers? Once again, you aren't running anywhere. Sure, if your out and about you may be walking around a bit more, but that does not necessitate joggers. If you can't toughen up and deal with whatever minor discomfort may come from wearing shoes without proper arch support, then you don't deserve to be walking. Buy a wheelchair and donate those legs to a paraplegic who will use them appropriately.

I will call it a day there. I think I've made my point. For anyone that missed it, it was:

"Don't wear joggers with work clothes, or jeans."

I have a number of other fashion gripes, so expect to read about them in the future. I hope that I can, in some small way, help people be really, really, ridiculously good looking.