Got my eye on you.

Pazzwizzle has nearly crusted over, like a delicious tin of baked beans left out in the sun too long. So, like the spoon I used this morning to eat that shit, I'm going to crack this bitch open.

Our spoon today? Literal lyrics.

Where better to start cracking than some indie-pop. Recently doing the rounds on Triple J was a song 'Dancing On My Own' by a Swedish pop singer-songwriter Robyn. Remember her? She's released 5 albums full of cheesey Euro-pop ballads. Also, upon research, I found out that she sang this song. That fucker was in every damn romantic comedy released in the mid-90s. The message you should be getting here? She's generic as all hell.

Anyway, lets not go jumping to conclusions. She's on Triple J. She's cleaned up her act and become an indie darling, right? Right?

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?

Jealous much? Settle down Robyn, this girl is a new friend of mine, we've not even had dinner together yet, let alone discussed the tricky concept of love. But she's got amazing core body strength, so yeah, she probably does "love" me better than you can.

Also, I take offence to the grammatical structure of that sentence. I've seen better use of the English language written on fridges in those little plastic magnet letters. (Hint: the number 6 can be used as the letter G.)

Big black sky over my town
I know where you at, I bet she’s around

You know where I'm at? Are you stalking me? Not a good way to win a man back Robyn.

Yeah, I know it’s stupid

Okay, cool, you're admitting that stalking is stupid. Can we just be friends? Not friends that love each other, just like, "Oh hi, how are you?" friends.

I just gotta see it for myself

See what? My new friend and I? I think I might need to call the police.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me
oh...

Yep, definitely calling the police.

I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own

You're giving it your all dancing on your own? No offence Robyn, but you probably look like a weirdo. If you want to be taken home by someone, whether it's me or just some random dude with a goatee, you've got to start dancing with other people. Get your slut on. Gyrate on someone's thigh. Make the shy looking creepy kid buy you a drink. Do whatever it takes. Trashbags aren't born, they're made.

I’m just gonna dance all night
I’m all messed up, I’m so outta line

That's the spirit! Get messed up, pop some pills, vomit into your clutch. Men can smell your desperation, and it's turning them on.

Stilettos and broken bottles
I’m spinnin’ around in circles

Woo! Robyn, you're out of control! Be careful though, if you bump into one of those security guards, they'll probably kick you out.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me
oh...
I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own

My God that's creepy. You've got to think of a new pick-up line. This whole desperate thing isn't going to work for long. Once guys realise that you'll start crying 15 seconds into sex and wont stop until they sing you to sleep, you're probably going to have trouble scoring. Trust me, I know.

So far away but still so near
(the lights go on, the music dies)

Wow, how long have you been standing there Robyn? The club is closing up and you're still in the corner dancing on your own?

But you don’t see me standing here
(I just came to say goodbye)

Nope, probably because I've already left with my new friend. We got pretty drunk, started making out, decided we'd head back to my place to see how much we could "love" each other before we passed out. But have fun being carefully guided out by the bouncers. Give them a note to pass on to me. I'm pretty close with them. In fact, I'm pretty good friends with everyone who was at that club except you. What to know why? Because you're a fucking creep, that's why.

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her,
oh...
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me,
oh...
I’m giving it my all but I’m not the girl you’re taking home
o-o-oh...
I keep dancing on my own
(I keep dancing on my own...)

Holy crap Robyn, did you follow me home? I'm sure I took my spare key back off you. What's that? You made another copy? Seriously, get the fuck out. I'm definitely calling the police. Yes, that's my new friend. No, she doesn't want to meet you. Now would you piss off? And stop fucking dancing, you look like an epileptic who needs to pee.

If any of you want to meet my new friend, this is her:



(Hint: She's the one in the speaker suit.)