The world around us.

Dear Mother Nature,

You are a dick. There, I said it. You're a dick. Why? So many reasons.

For starters, what the hell is with the birds that you have seen it fit to create that sound like they are being raped when they communicate? There is at least a handful of them that live near my house, and every night, without fail, they have a conversation. Except instead of sweetly singing, they howl into the night, moaning like there is a bigger bird having it's way with it. It makes no sense. The noise they make is terrifying, it sounds like the soundboard for a horror movie. And not a good one.

And speaking of rape, why do you make animals rape each other? Sure, I can understand humans, we're a fucked up lot. But that's because we have the mental capacity to think that stuff up. Monkeys I could even forgive, because they're like us only hairy. But ducks? Ducks raping each other? And not just regular rape, rape with giant spinning lasso penises. Dolphins do it as well, yet since they don't have the benefit of a cock twice the length of their body, they work in gangs and chase a female down until she is too exhausted to resist their advances. Then they all have sex with her.

What about all the animals you've created whose sole purpose it is to either suck the blood of other animals and or spread disease? Mosquitoes, leeches, ticks. Not only are they gross to look at, they're responsible for millions of deaths, both to humans and animals alike. Some animals are just violent for the sake of it. Like the tiny Amazonian fish (Candiru) that has made a name for itself by swimming up the penises of urinating explorers and then lodging itself in the urethra using tiny hooks. Or the 20-cent piece sizes Irukandji Jellyfish that is practically invisible but can kill a grown man in minutes. What purpose do either of those animals serve outside of making our lives difficult?

Finally, the plant kingdom. A Corpse Flower? Really? What compelled you to create a flower that stinks like rotting flesh? How about the cactus. Does it really need to be covered in spines? They grow in the god-damn desert, they've got it hard enough as it is. Yet you covered them in painful, often poisonous, spikes. Speaking of poisonous, what's with poison ivy, or any of the plants that have a cute little flower (Azalea and Daphne, I'm looking at you) yet cause nausea, paralysis and or death? Why make them look like every other flower? Are you trying to kill us?

Mother Nature, you are a dick.

Sincerely,
Tom.

Note: Everything I mentioned actually exists in nature. I'm going to provide links, but if you doubt me, look it up. I dare you.

Test drive newborn.

Dear Parents-to-be,

There is a commonly accepted idea that couples, before they even consider having children, should get a pet. This, I assume, is to test their abilities to care for another living thing besides each other. Something that needs training and attention and doesn't understand what you're saying. In theory, it is a sound concept. If you can't look after a turtle, then you shouldn't have a baby.

However I feel there is a hole in the logic of this process. Basically, you can't raise a child like you can an animal. Sure, there are similarities, but if you're looking for some baby-raising tips, I'd suggest looking elsewhere. The following is a list of reasons why getting a pet does not prepare you for having a baby.

• You can't keep a baby in a cage.
• Lining a baby's room with newspaper does not count as a diaper replacement.
• Similarly, a baby cannot be forced to use a box of sand as a toilet.
• It is not okay to not know the sex of your own child.
• You can't use a plastic bag to clean up after a baby in public.
• You can't raise a child purely for the purposes of breeding it.
• Conversely, you can't neuter a baby is you don't want it breeding in future.
• You can't feed a baby your leftovers.
• Similarly, uncooked week old meat is not a safe or nutritious meal.
  
• Hiding their food is not a way to distract them for a few hours.
• Dangerous babies do not give you an edge.
• If your baby bites another child, this will not be viewed as playing.
• Putting your name and phone number on a collar around their neck is not an appropriate loss prevention technique.
• An old blanket in the laundry does not count as a bed.
• You should not have a second baby for the sole reason of keeping the first one company when you go out.
• Leaving the radio on and locking them in their room is not a substitute for a baby-sitter.
• If you go on holiday, you can't just leave your baby in the yard and pay the neighbours to feed it.
• Babies must take a bath more than once a month.
• You cannot restrict a baby to one part of the house for their entire lives.
• If your child humps your leg, or anyone else's for that matter, it is not cute or funny.
• Similarly, it is not okay if your child humps teddy bears, pillows or other children, particularly if it is non-consensual.
• Letting your child sniff other children is weird.
• You cannot race them against other children and bet on it.
• You cannot ride your child around your yard.
• You can't fatten up your children so that you may eat them at a later date.
• If your baby gets too big you cannot simply give them to a family friend who lives on acreage.
• You cannot shoot your baby if it breaks its leg.
• Also, putting your child down if their medical bills get too expensive and you think they've had a good life is highly inappropriate.
• If your child licks its own testicles or anus, you should be concerned.
• You will not be excited if your child unexpectedly falls pregnant, particularly if you do not know who the father is.
• It is not okay for your child to give birth to octuplets on the bathroom floor.
• Letting your baby eat bugs, lizards, grass or their own faeces is unhygienic.
  
• You cannot let your baby catch mice, birds or toads.
• Similarly, if you find any of the above hidden around the house or half-buried in the yard, you should be concerned.
• Do not milk them.
• If your child dies, you cannot flush them down the toilet or bury them in the yard.
  
• If your child does die, people will notice if you try to replace it with one that looks the same.
  

I hope I've helped you in your baby making endeavours.

Sincerely,
Tom

Untitled.

Dear Artists,

Pick a title for your art. There are only three reasons for leaving your work untitled.

1. Laziness. How hard is it to come up with a title? You've just created a work of art. However good or bad it may be, you did it. Now title it. I'm not asking for an essay, just a title. Call it anything. If you draw a bunch of colour boxes, call it, 'Coloured Boxes'. If you pained a pond, call it 'Pond'. Or just call it a random jumble of letters. You can't expect me to believe that you have the creativity to come up with the idea to draw a man with a Vicks Vapour drop for a head mourning an empty pack of Butter Menthols, yet when it comes to picking a title, you're stumped. Or too lazy to bother.
   
2. Fear. You're worried I'll judge you on your title? Once again, you're not being asked to write an essay, it's just a name. I will judge you on how your art looks, but not on your title. In fact, I'm much more likely to judge you if you don't have a title. Plus, a title can be very helpful. If you don't have one, how will white people reference your work to their friends to make themselves feel more cultural?
   
3. Pretentiousness. You're so arty-wanky that you refuse to title you're work? Get the fuck out of my gallery. If you're worried about a title "restricting the artistic boundaries" of your work then you've got bigger things to worry about than coming up with a title. Like how much you're going to get beaten up by people. Remember, for people to like you, and your work, people need to be able to relate to it, and you. By being so alternative that you call your 'finger painting/splatter/crushed glass' piece absolutely nothing at all, I have lost interest in it and you.
   

I hope we can work together on this one Artists.

Lots of love,
Tom

Cash out.

Dear Treasury Department,

I hate 5 cent coins. They are the most useless of the small change.

For starters, most machines that you use that accept coins don't actually accept the 5 cent piece. They stop at 10 cents. Plus, most of the items in said machines cost $x.x0 anyway, so 5 cents are useless. they never give them in change.

And paying all in 5 cents is frowned upon. Either you spend ages at a machine, slipping tiny coins in as everyone lines up behind you and thinks, "Geez, what's this poor bastard doing?" Or you hand over a wad of them at a counter and the person behind the counter has to count them and they are never happy, neither are the people lined up behind you. Everyone is thinking, "Geez, what's this poor bastard doing?"

Not even the bank tellers like 5 cent coins anymore. They get all snooty when you hand them over to be exchanged for normal money, like they're too good to count it, too good to even touch it.

But the worst thing is, you can't even give 5 cent coins away. If you give it to buskers/the homeless/charity workers, they look at you like you just spat on them. And rightfully so. It's like someone asking for some food when you have a whole sandwich and you give them a crust. Giving someone a 5 cent coin does not say, "Hi, I'm charitable." It says, "Hi, I want people to think I'm charitable, but really, I'm a cheap heartless douchebag." Giving away 5 cents is almost a hand-written invitation to the 'Why did you even fucking bother?' party.

You can't even give them away in a friendly gesture. Like if you approached someone and said, "Here, have these 5 cent coins." it wouldn't matter how many you gave them, it would still be a burden. Offer just one and they'll think it's a joke. A whole bag and its just an inconvenience that they have to take to the bank and suffer the condescending glares of tellers.

I personally have two stashes of 5 cent coins. One at my desk at work, and one next to my bed at home.

Help yourselves, because I sure don't want them.

Love,
Tom.

My first open letter.

So here's another soon-to-be-frequent style of post on my blog. The open letter. I'm sure you've all seen one. so I won't explain how it works. If you're new to this type of thing, you will catch on fairly quickly.

Dear Lincraft Lady,

Thank you for being an unhelpful bitch.
If it was at all possible, you made me want to be even less crafty than I already am.

Love, Thomas.

Also, how do you all feel about the new blog layout? Matt did it. Snaps for him.
I feel less minimalist.